The Legend of Shania

As I get ready for mating season, I have to mention something. There’s a certain type of woman that I absolutely have to avoid. There are beautiful women. There are women have amazing personalities. There are women who are extremely intelligent. There are women who have all of these characteristics. And then, there is Shania.

I met Shania in college, working as a tutor for the CCNY Writing Center. Sam, who helped get be the job, was childhood friends with her and we all got along. One night I decided to stay at the writing center all night, as I had to go to work at 6am and didn’t see the sense in taking the long train ride home to sleep. All the other guys stayed the night as well and we cracked jokes and talked. During one of our conversations, we started rating the girls that worked at the writing center. One of the guys, Anthony, said this:

Anthony: You know who I’m really attracted to? Shania. I want her more than any of the rest of ‘em.

He said it in a way that made it seem weird, but everyone nodded their heads in agreement. I was relieved, because I thought I was the only one. To understand why it would seem weird to be attracted to Shania, one would have to see her. The best way to describe her is this: an Indian version of ogre Fiona from Shrek. Take the ogre version of Fiona. Make her hair black instead of red. And then make her skin light brown instead of green. That’s an almost exact replica of Shania. So what was the attraction?

 

No seriously, what is the attraction?!

No one could figure it out. After tutoring sessions, some of her male students would ask Sam if she was single. Even Sam wanted her. Despite the fact that she was overweight, didn’t wear make-up, and was not classically attractive, she basically had a hold over every guy she came across. No one could figure it out, so I decided to label her as Alpha Woman. This is a woman who doesn’t need to do anything other than exist, and can garner more attention than supermodels. And not the kind of attention where a man would say, “Yeah, I’d do her.” It’s the kind of attention where a man simply wants to be with her and be in her presence. I’ve never seen or felt that way before or since. Shania, it would seem, is truly one of a kind. It was the first time I realized that there’s something almost god-like about women that I’d never known about. Fuck becoming the first woman president. Imagine a world where every woman has almost full control of the environment around them without make-up, the desire for material wealth, or tearing each other down. A world of Alpha women where men become mere toys. Crazy stuff…

So why wouldn’t I want a woman like Shania when I start dating? The truth? It’s because she would have so much control over me. I consider myself extremely strong-willed and fiercely independent, but a woman like her would change everything… and I rather like things the way they are. Maybe if I were the marrying type who wanted a family, I would kill thousands for her hand in marriage. I think I seriously would too. But I’m not that guy. Smart? Sure. Beautiful? Absolutely. Successful? Yes. Shania? No thanks. That’s just too much woman for me.   

P.S: I remember when Nikita Simone tried to puff her chest and say all these great things about herself and how she should be treated. After knowing Shania, it was easy to see through Nikita’s bullshit and identify her major insecurity issues. It was almost laughable.