Yeah.
I know.
Just in before the 30 day deadline. Usually it’s laziness that makes me wait until the last minute to write a post, but this time it’s different. After Ahkenaten Speaks, I… hmm. I was naïve in thinking I would be able to write a post like that and bounce back in “a couple of days”. After writing that post, I was in a dark place. I guess I’m still there.
You know, if someone says that I’m a loser or a failure, I can shrug it off because I don’t put much value in people. So their words can mean nothing. But when the person speaking is me, I can’t ignore it. I had been used to tricking myself into thinking I was doing okay, so the truth in that post hit me like a tractor trailer. I took a break from this blog for a while, but finally started reading again last week Friday. It still didn’t make me feel good, but then it hit me. This blog isn’t supposed to make me feel good. It’s supposed to make me better. I used to talk to myself like that all the time, so it was just a matter of getting used to hearing raw truth again. Once I started reading it for truth and knowledge, I started feeling a bit better.
This will be a pretty short post, as my mind is still screwy. So much has happened and I want to write on it all, but I’m still not in the right state of mind to post. I'm... tired. I still feel lost and I’m not sure I have the desire to push through the chaos. I keep hearing that familiar voice asking “What’s the point” over and over again. I used to have an answer to that, but now I’m unsure. If it makes sense, I'd very much like to cover myself in the pain until it leaves me with only one choice. I’ve had nothing but bad days since Ahkenaten Speaks, and I question whether it’s worth moving forward… especially with my views on life. Time will tell but, for now, I’m still here.
P.S.: I’ve started watching Battlestar Galactica again. Something about this show makes me feel at peace… like I’m in another world. It’s ironic because the world on that show is more fucked up than this one.
I know.
Just in before the 30 day deadline. Usually it’s laziness that makes me wait until the last minute to write a post, but this time it’s different. After Ahkenaten Speaks, I… hmm. I was naïve in thinking I would be able to write a post like that and bounce back in “a couple of days”. After writing that post, I was in a dark place. I guess I’m still there.
You know, if someone says that I’m a loser or a failure, I can shrug it off because I don’t put much value in people. So their words can mean nothing. But when the person speaking is me, I can’t ignore it. I had been used to tricking myself into thinking I was doing okay, so the truth in that post hit me like a tractor trailer. I took a break from this blog for a while, but finally started reading again last week Friday. It still didn’t make me feel good, but then it hit me. This blog isn’t supposed to make me feel good. It’s supposed to make me better. I used to talk to myself like that all the time, so it was just a matter of getting used to hearing raw truth again. Once I started reading it for truth and knowledge, I started feeling a bit better.
This will be a pretty short post, as my mind is still screwy. So much has happened and I want to write on it all, but I’m still not in the right state of mind to post. I'm... tired. I still feel lost and I’m not sure I have the desire to push through the chaos. I keep hearing that familiar voice asking “What’s the point” over and over again. I used to have an answer to that, but now I’m unsure. If it makes sense, I'd very much like to cover myself in the pain until it leaves me with only one choice. I’ve had nothing but bad days since Ahkenaten Speaks, and I question whether it’s worth moving forward… especially with my views on life. Time will tell but, for now, I’m still here.
P.S.: I’ve started watching Battlestar Galactica again. Something about this show makes me feel at peace… like I’m in another world. It’s ironic because the world on that show is more fucked up than this one.
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