AHKENATEN, SKIP THIS POST.
I waited a full day to write this. I wanted to sleep on it, to make sure it was absolutely necessary to write this. Guess it is.
So I read this blog one day last week, from the January post up to the most recent. When I first started writing this blog, my plan was to retire from paycheck jobs by 2018-2019. Once I discovered the refinance aspects of real estate, the retirement date became at the end of 2017. And now, I have plans that can have me retire by the end of this year. Going from what it was to what it is, I realized that a question had to be answered. Why does it seem like I’m in such a hurry? When I’ve spent time making plans and following them through, what’s the rush all of a sudden to retire? It's... it's clear where this is going, right? Okay then, let’s get this over with.
Over the last few months I haven’t been feeling good. I haven’t had any major incidents where I don’t know where I am like last year, but I can tell that my body is sort of slowing down. On February 9th, I woke and noticed a significant amount of blood on my pillow and the worst headache I've ever had in my life. Apparently it came from my nose. I've had other issues, but none of them hurt as bad as that headache. It felt like several vices squeezing the insides of my brain at the same time. Since then I’ve been extremely weak on most mornings. I get to work at least a half hour late because it’s impossible to wake up and immediately have the strength to get out of bed. I swear, there are days when I'll wake up in the morning, take a shower, put on my clothes, open my door to leave, and wish that there was a guy with a gun standing there that just blows my brains out. I also had to reduce my gym workouts from three days to two, as I simply don’t have the energy to do such intense workouts and then go back to work. I’ve been drinking a lot of coconut water and sleeping on time, so haven’t had any major issues since. But I’m starting to feel like the time’s coming, and I honestly can’t see myself making it out of 2017.
You know, this feeling is so weird. It’s like I’m on a tightrope with no safety net. I actually WANT to jump off but, at the same time, I’m curious to see how far I can get. Does that make any sense at all?! Is living purely for curiosity considered a life? I guess it’ll have to be, because that’s the reality of my situation. I have no strong desire to be here, but I like walking this tightrope. It’s kinda fun. Maybe I’ll find out what retirement will feel like before I fall or jump off.
One can clearly see why I’m not going to read this after it’s posted. The constant reminder of my end would seriously de-motivate me to continue my quest for paycheck retirement. After all, why work hard when I know what’s gonna happen? Hell, I didn’t even want to write on this subject, but I knew I couldn’t continue to honestly write about retirement in future posts without explaining such a huge part of it.
It’s very important to note that I see this as very good news, not bad. For as long as I could remember, I didn’t feel like I should be here. I look at the end as a rescue, and then a journey to… wherever. Now I could be wrong about my health, as I've been before. But this time it really feels different... I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next. So this explains why my retirement plans have accelerated. And I’ll never see this post again.
P.S.: Oh, speaking of posts that I didn’t feel like writing, I should kill two subjects with one blog right now. Since October of last year, I’ve had this strange urge to write about a website that I used to go on when I was sick in 2008. I don’t know where this urge came from or what purpose it would serve, but the feeling hasn’t subsided since then. So here it goes. The site was Punk Rock Mommy, written by Andrea Collins Smith as she blogged about her life with terminal cancer. I don’t know why I continue to feel such a strong connection to her but I do. And I only feel it when I think about her, which isn’t very often at all. Her posts were very refreshing to me at the time, and I was able to identify with much of what she talked about. Okay. I think that did it. Now I can put that months-old urge to rest!
AHKENATEN, SKIP THIS POST.
I waited a full day to write this. I wanted to sleep on it, to make sure it was absolutely necessary to write this. Guess it is.
So I read this blog one day last week, from the January post up to the most recent. When I first started writing this blog, my plan was to retire from paycheck jobs by 2018-2019. Once I discovered the refinance aspects of real estate, the retirement date became at the end of 2017. And now, I have plans that can have me retire by the end of this year. Going from what it was to what it is, I realized that a question had to be answered. Why does it seem like I’m in such a hurry? When I’ve spent time making plans and following them through, what’s the rush all of a sudden to retire? It's... it's clear where this is going, right? Okay then, let’s get this over with.
Over the last few months I haven’t been feeling good. I haven’t had any major incidents where I don’t know where I am like last year, but I can tell that my body is sort of slowing down. On February 9th, I woke and noticed a significant amount of blood on my pillow and the worst headache I've ever had in my life. Apparently it came from my nose. I've had other issues, but none of them hurt as bad as that headache. It felt like several vices squeezing the insides of my brain at the same time. Since then I’ve been extremely weak on most mornings. I get to work at least a half hour late because it’s impossible to wake up and immediately have the strength to get out of bed. I swear, there are days when I'll wake up in the morning, take a shower, put on my clothes, open my door to leave, and wish that there was a guy with a gun standing there that just blows my brains out. I also had to reduce my gym workouts from three days to two, as I simply don’t have the energy to do such intense workouts and then go back to work. I’ve been drinking a lot of coconut water and sleeping on time, so haven’t had any major issues since. But I’m starting to feel like the time’s coming, and I honestly can’t see myself making it out of 2017.
You know, this feeling is so weird. It’s like I’m on a tightrope with no safety net. I actually WANT to jump off but, at the same time, I’m curious to see how far I can get. Does that make any sense at all?! Is living purely for curiosity considered a life? I guess it’ll have to be, because that’s the reality of my situation. I have no strong desire to be here, but I like walking this tightrope. It’s kinda fun. Maybe I’ll find out what retirement will feel like before I fall or jump off.
One can clearly see why I’m not going to read this after it’s posted. The constant reminder of my end would seriously de-motivate me to continue my quest for paycheck retirement. After all, why work hard when I know what’s gonna happen? Hell, I didn’t even want to write on this subject, but I knew I couldn’t continue to honestly write about retirement in future posts without explaining such a huge part of it.
It’s very important to note that I see this as very good news, not bad. For as long as I could remember, I didn’t feel like I should be here. I look at the end as a rescue, and then a journey to… wherever. Now I could be wrong about my health, as I've been before. But this time it really feels different... I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next. So this explains why my retirement plans have accelerated. And I’ll never see this post again.
P.S.: Oh, speaking of posts that I didn’t feel like writing, I should kill two subjects with one blog right now. Since October of last year, I’ve had this strange urge to write about a website that I used to go on when I was sick in 2008. I don’t know where this urge came from or what purpose it would serve, but the feeling hasn’t subsided since then. So here it goes. The site was Punk Rock Mommy, written by Andrea Collins Smith as she blogged about her life with terminal cancer. I don’t know why I continue to feel such a strong connection to her but I do. And I only feel it when I think about her, which isn’t very often at all. Her posts were very refreshing to me at the time, and I was able to identify with much of what she talked about. Okay. I think that did it. Now I can put that months-old urge to rest!
AHKENATEN, SKIP THIS POST.
No comments:
Post a Comment