After my date with Aida, I felt comfortable spending the rest of that weekend playing videogames at Brooklyn Mike’s apartment. But I had been messaging a woman we'll call Jazzy who looked very good, and our conversations were incredible.
Me: Hey Jazzy, it’s Ahkenaten from POF. It wasn’t a dream :-)
Jazzy: Lol, hey Ahkenaten :-) :-) :-) :-). Sorry for my late response… trying to do my hair before work. How was your night?
Me: Not too bad, although I only got 3 hours of sleep. What do you do for work?
Jazzy: Wow, that sucks :-( I’ve been a supervisor at a [place] for some years. I’m actually planning to switch my job at the [place] to go back into anything customer service… it’s taking a bit of a toll on my heart and it’s true when they say that you can’t help everyone, but children and the elderly have always been my weakness. I’ll tell you more about my experience when I see you ;-)
Jazzy: Do you usually get that amount of sleep? Even after quitting one of your jobs?
Let’s stop it there. See how long and detailed her response was? That shows interest, and she made it very easy to talk to her. Normally I’d have to deal with one word answers or, at best, a sentence. But this broad was so open and looked so good that I had to go out with her immediately. So, instead of leaving for Smalltown, I decided to plan a date for Sunday and then leave early Monday morning. We agreed to meet at a BBQ restaurant conveniently located in her neighborhood. After the debacle that was Aida, I was very excited for Jazzy. I mean, she reminded me of all the girlfriends I had in the past: gorgeous, easy to talk to, and likes to joke around.
I got to the restaurant 15 minutes early, and then sat in the waiting area. She had already let me know she was running late, and I was okay with that. But after waiting 35 minutes (20 minutes late), I considered leaving. I left my cell phone in the car (I don’t like taking my phone with me on a date) so I was getting impatient. Then she called the restaurant to let me know she was 10 minutes away. I hate late dates, but I really liked her finding the number and giving me a message through them. In a nerdy way, it kinda made me feel important. I mean shit, she even makes being late feel good! So I’m waiting with high anticipation when someone sits next to me. It’s Jazzy, and she pretends as if she’s waiting for someone. So right away I’m loving this broad’s sense of humor. We go to our table, the waiter takes her coat, and we sit down. I noticed that she would talk in a very low tone and I wasn’t sure why. Once she talked a bit louder I.. it hit me like a fucking MTA bus. The strangely trashy way she wore her clothes… her oddly shaped breasts… the way she would eat her salad very slow as if she copied her eating style from Jenna fucking Jameson… and that unmistakable voice Jazzy was a man. A fucking dude, with a DICK! But seriously:
The night before we met, she sent me these pictures of herself after we exchanged numbers. Come on man, how the hell was I supposed to know?! The only ones that would make me suspicious are the last two, especially the 5th one, as most drag queens like to style their hair like that. Jazzy also made sure that we never talked on the phone, only text. But I couldn't see an Adam’s apple and her hands looked feminine. There seriously was no other way for me to know except the voice. That voice was the only thing these trannies can't change, and I thank the Fuck for that. I spent the rest of the date focusing on the good food, trying to forget that I'm sitting across from a dude who probably has a big dirty dick. The horny guy in me who hasn't fucked in years tried to ignore her voice and see Jazzy as a woman, but I couldn't. I'm just not that way.
I was so mad as I drove Jazzy back to his place. I really wanted to beat the shit out of this dude for wasting my fucking time. But I'm no fool. With my head issues, one punch to the head from Jazzy would probably kill me. Jazzy asked me why I wasn’t talking anymore and I just toldher… him that he needed to get out of the car. Jazzy said “Oh” and got out the car. I drove back to Brooklyn Mike’s apartment in shame. Mike asked me if I was sure that Jazzy was a dude, and I told him I was about 98% sure. He then asked if I would consider asking for an explanation, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothing Jazzy said would make it better. Even if I was in some incredulous way wrong and Jazzy was a chick, I can’t have a sexual encounter with a woman who had that Chyna-like voice. I wouldn't even be able to get it up. But it was a dude, trust me. My NYC-trained gaydar is never wrong.
This, as one might assume, was definitely the low point of my dating career. I get that I’m rusty when it comes to women, but this was just sad. Of all the ways the once great Ahkenaten Kor could be insulted on a date, this was the worst. The best thing I could do is laugh about it and move on. In fact, Brooklyn Mike and I made some great dick jokes later that evening and I felt a little better. But the world isn't like I remembered it when I dated back in college, or even 5 years ago. There's so much more to look out for now and it's fucking discouraging. It almost makes me want to stop altogether. But I won't. I'll just make sure to get the broad on some kind of videochat like Facetime or Skype. That would help me avoid 50% of my online dating problems.
P.S.: Yes, I remember my rule about only posting a woman's picture if she's an 8 and I have nothing bad to say about her. I could say that, technically, I'm staying true to my word since Jazzy is a dude. But I can't bullshit this blog, so I admit that I broke the rule. After all, I have no definitive proof of Jazzy's dick ownership except for my experiences as a New Yorker that lived in the second gayest city in America for 27 years. And he's no longer on the dating site, so I shouldn't really care. Nevertheless, I'll probably take the pics off or modify them in the near future, but not now. I get the feeling I'm gonna be re-visiting this post several times over the next couple of months, reminding myself that I never want to go through this again. The dangers of online dating might end me up with a mouth full of dick if I get lazy with precautions.
P.P.S.: I watched a brilliant video last year where a guy came up with the Hot/Crazy Matrix. Near the end of the video, the guy says something like, "You're telling me your girl is like a 9 hot and only a 2 or 3 crazy (hot and not crazy). You better watch out because that's a tranny!" I really want to laugh at that line again someday. I really do...
Me: Hey Jazzy, it’s Ahkenaten from POF. It wasn’t a dream :-)
Jazzy: Lol, hey Ahkenaten :-) :-) :-) :-). Sorry for my late response… trying to do my hair before work. How was your night?
Me: Not too bad, although I only got 3 hours of sleep. What do you do for work?
Jazzy: Wow, that sucks :-( I’ve been a supervisor at a [place] for some years. I’m actually planning to switch my job at the [place] to go back into anything customer service… it’s taking a bit of a toll on my heart and it’s true when they say that you can’t help everyone, but children and the elderly have always been my weakness. I’ll tell you more about my experience when I see you ;-)
Jazzy: Do you usually get that amount of sleep? Even after quitting one of your jobs?
Let’s stop it there. See how long and detailed her response was? That shows interest, and she made it very easy to talk to her. Normally I’d have to deal with one word answers or, at best, a sentence. But this broad was so open and looked so good that I had to go out with her immediately. So, instead of leaving for Smalltown, I decided to plan a date for Sunday and then leave early Monday morning. We agreed to meet at a BBQ restaurant conveniently located in her neighborhood. After the debacle that was Aida, I was very excited for Jazzy. I mean, she reminded me of all the girlfriends I had in the past: gorgeous, easy to talk to, and likes to joke around.
I got to the restaurant 15 minutes early, and then sat in the waiting area. She had already let me know she was running late, and I was okay with that. But after waiting 35 minutes (20 minutes late), I considered leaving. I left my cell phone in the car (I don’t like taking my phone with me on a date) so I was getting impatient. Then she called the restaurant to let me know she was 10 minutes away. I hate late dates, but I really liked her finding the number and giving me a message through them. In a nerdy way, it kinda made me feel important. I mean shit, she even makes being late feel good! So I’m waiting with high anticipation when someone sits next to me. It’s Jazzy, and she pretends as if she’s waiting for someone. So right away I’m loving this broad’s sense of humor. We go to our table, the waiter takes her coat, and we sit down. I noticed that she would talk in a very low tone and I wasn’t sure why. Once she talked a bit louder I.. it hit me like a fucking MTA bus. The strangely trashy way she wore her clothes… her oddly shaped breasts… the way she would eat her salad very slow as if she copied her eating style from Jenna fucking Jameson… and that unmistakable voice Jazzy was a man. A fucking dude, with a DICK! But seriously:
The night before we met, she sent me these pictures of herself after we exchanged numbers. Come on man, how the hell was I supposed to know?! The only ones that would make me suspicious are the last two, especially the 5th one, as most drag queens like to style their hair like that. Jazzy also made sure that we never talked on the phone, only text. But I couldn't see an Adam’s apple and her hands looked feminine. There seriously was no other way for me to know except the voice. That voice was the only thing these trannies can't change, and I thank the Fuck for that. I spent the rest of the date focusing on the good food, trying to forget that I'm sitting across from a dude who probably has a big dirty dick. The horny guy in me who hasn't fucked in years tried to ignore her voice and see Jazzy as a woman, but I couldn't. I'm just not that way.
I was so mad as I drove Jazzy back to his place. I really wanted to beat the shit out of this dude for wasting my fucking time. But I'm no fool. With my head issues, one punch to the head from Jazzy would probably kill me. Jazzy asked me why I wasn’t talking anymore and I just told
This, as one might assume, was definitely the low point of my dating career. I get that I’m rusty when it comes to women, but this was just sad. Of all the ways the once great Ahkenaten Kor could be insulted on a date, this was the worst. The best thing I could do is laugh about it and move on. In fact, Brooklyn Mike and I made some great dick jokes later that evening and I felt a little better. But the world isn't like I remembered it when I dated back in college, or even 5 years ago. There's so much more to look out for now and it's fucking discouraging. It almost makes me want to stop altogether. But I won't. I'll just make sure to get the broad on some kind of videochat like Facetime or Skype. That would help me avoid 50% of my online dating problems.
P.S.: Yes, I remember my rule about only posting a woman's picture if she's an 8 and I have nothing bad to say about her. I could say that, technically, I'm staying true to my word since Jazzy is a dude. But I can't bullshit this blog, so I admit that I broke the rule. After all, I have no definitive proof of Jazzy's dick ownership except for my experiences as a New Yorker that lived in the second gayest city in America for 27 years. And he's no longer on the dating site, so I shouldn't really care. Nevertheless, I'll probably take the pics off or modify them in the near future, but not now. I get the feeling I'm gonna be re-visiting this post several times over the next couple of months, reminding myself that I never want to go through this again. The dangers of online dating might end me up with a mouth full of dick if I get lazy with precautions.
P.P.S.: I watched a brilliant video last year where a guy came up with the Hot/Crazy Matrix. Near the end of the video, the guy says something like, "You're telling me your girl is like a 9 hot and only a 2 or 3 crazy (hot and not crazy). You better watch out because that's a tranny!" I really want to laugh at that line again someday. I really do...
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