Thanksgiving 2014: Real Reaction

I entered that reality as the pastor at Alan’s house lectured me about how I’m not living up to my responsibilities as a son. It just came out of nowhere. As he talked, I looked at the carving knife for the turkey and I seriously thought about killing him. But then, I thought, who would I have to kill next? I could take out the pastor’s other male friend, but what about the woman? I can’t kill her, right? And what about Alan? Could I trust him to keep his mouth shut about all this, or would I have to kill him too? I realized that I was thinking these dangerous thoughts and quickly excused myself to wash the dishes. I stayed in the kitchen until I was composed enough to put on a smiling face and make my exit. From there I went over to Anita’s place for the second ambush. After it was done, I really wanted to drive back to Smalltown immediately, but I was too tired and needed rest. So I told Anita not to bother me and went to bed. I woke up a couple hours later and was out the door.

For the next couple of weeks I ignored their calls. They were each trying to call me at least 10 times a day because they knew they had screwed up. I wasn't ignoring their calls to punish them... I was just nervous about what I was gonna do and the anger these idiots bring out of me. Finally, I called them back and told them off. It was over and done with. The “good boy” gimmick was officially dead, and it was time for them to know the kind of person I really am. I told Alan that if I ever see his pastor again that I’d kill him. Alan never heard me talk like this and I know he understood that things were gonna be different now. I told Anita that I lost all respect for her after going against what I specifically told her not to do. I tried everything I could to keep this side of me from my parents, but I couldn’t hold back anymore. I’m not that 9 year old kid anymore who didn’t know how to defend himself. And it dawned on me that I don’t need to be that kid anymore. I can say whatever I want to them or anyone, and if they do wrong by me they’ll know about it. No more hiding the kind of person I am from Anita and Alan… they’re not parents to me anymore. I don’t really know what they are or what purpose they serve to the man I am now, but Thanksgiving was the day that the good boy died. 

When I fake kindness, there has to be a reason. I'm nice to my tenants because they make me money. I'm kind to my co-workers because I don't want to mess up the cash I get from the jobs. I'm nice to women because... well, I like sex. There's always a reason to pretend to be something I'm not. But with my parents, there's no reason for the fakeness. They can't do anything for me anymore, so why keep up the facade?

All the fakeness I used as a defense mechanism fell apart on Thanksgiving and I was forced to be myself to my parents for the first time. And... you know, it felt pretty good. It's also very important to note that my parents are not bad people. They're simply annoying and stuck in their ways, and I accepted their behavior towards me for far too long. I know I have a lot of work to do as far as controlling my temper so that it never reaches that point again. Having a temper is good just as long as it's controlled and brought out when needed. As a kid, I never learned how to handle a situation like a normal person. It was either to be completely passive or extremely aggressive. There was never a zero to sixty... only a zero and a sixty. But I’m glad to start the process now. I think that was the only thing worth being thankful for this Thanksgiving… 

P.S.: Usually, I don't like writing posts that make me look like Dexter fucking Morgan. But this seemed to be the only way to go. Hopefully future readings of these posts will prove me right. 

P.P.S.: Actually there was one other thing Thanksgiving was good for:

My favorite food from Nice Chinatown in Brooklyn: Boneless chicken with chicken fried rice no vegetables with hot sauce and ketchup on the boneless chicken and french fries... oh, and two egg rolls. Disgustingly delicious!

I know it wasn't good for me, but having some old fashioned nasty ass Chinese food rice at Brooklyn Mike's place was a nice treat. I may be able to make it myself now (and make it much healthier), but nothing beats the original.