Hi-Pitch Ahkenaten

About a month ago I was at the shipping depot talking to myself. It was the weekend and no one was around, so I took advantage and started talking about something. Someone walked in and I greeted them, but I noticed that my voice was considerably higher. When the guy left I was perplexed. Why did my voice sound completely different when someone walked in? Was I trying to pander to them?

When the next guy walked in, I tried to use my normal voice to say my greeting. I couldn’t do it. I felt so uncomfortable talking the way I usually do and quickly reverted to my hi-pitched tone. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t doing it for them. Subconsciously, I was doing it for me.

See, I’m not proud of being a security guard. No one should really be one at my age anyway. I used it to pay my college tuition. I used it to supplement my paltry teaching salary. And now I’m using it to supplement my real estate investments until the investments can become my primary source of income and I can retire. Security work is rarely ever a career job, and people look down on guards all the time. Our job is to basically exist. That’s it. We don’t stop crime. We don’t spring into action when someone gets robbed. We simply exist and get paid for it. Our existence is considered a deterrent, like scarecrows or garden gnomes. A security guard usually gets treated like crap, so it’s easy to get down on myself for being in the same crappy profession for so long. To illustrate the shame of being a security guard, I’ll use one of the greatest sitcom characters ever created: Married With Children’s Al Bundy.

Al Bundy was a shoe salesman, and the show always made it seem like it was the employment of the lowest form of life. In an episode of Season 5, Al gets laid off from the shoe store. His son Bud tells him of a job opening at his high school…

Al Bundy in uniform

Less than a minute after he’s onscreen as a security guard, he gets on his knees and starts crying about how far he’s fallen...

He sinks to the floor screaming, "Oh God, this can't be happening to me!" My favorite line is when he sobs, "Can this be true?! Am I now the man I laughed at as a child?!"

I’m laughing as I write this because the episode was pretty funny. In fact, I'll probably watch it after I write this post. But if a lower than life shoe salesman can look down on security guards, how else am I supposed to feel when I put on these uniforms?!  

I think my mind decided to create a different version of me: Hi Pitch Ahkenaten. Hi Pitch can go to work and deal with the dirty looks and the inane banter of Smalltown savages, after which the regular Ahkenaten returns once my shift is over. I didn’t realize I was doing this until that day at the shipping depot, and it really made me laugh. How pathetic must I feel for my mind to create an entirely different persona to cope with working as a guard?!  

While I know my situation (real estate and stocks) is far different from an average security guard, the stigma is still there. So if my mind feels the need to create a character to protect my sanity, I'll accept it. I’ve clearly shown that I’ll do anything to reach retirement, and I feel all of this will be worth it in the end. Until then, long live Hi-Pitch Ahkenaten Kor…