Relationship Preperation

I’m taking regular showers and grooming my hair every other day. I brush my teeth every day. The basement apartment looks much cleaner than it did during the winter. And I’m getting my face comfortable with smiling again. Yes, dear blog, my transformation is almost complete. I am almost relationship ready.

You know, in all of my past relationships I had two major complaints. These complaints were big enough to end the relationships altogether. The first was me not getting enough sex. The second was the woman wanting me to meet her friends and family. It’s been a long time since my last true relationship, and I think things will be much different once mating season starts in June. Because it’s not just my hygiene and demeanor that I’ve changed. Over time, I’ve become a different person.

Latoya was my first girlfriend. She and I had massively high sex drives, as we would have sex 5 times a day… twice in the morning, once in the afternoon, and then two more times in the night. The weekends were usually our rest periods, or we’d use that to make up for sex missed during the week. This was our standard, and the cornerstone of our relationship. Sometimes she would want sex after I got of work and was dead tired, but I’d do it anyway because the sex meant a lot to us. When she started cutting down on the sex to focus on other parts of the relationship, I immediately ended things. I figured that I can get the same amount of sex from every girl, so why bother sticking it out with this one? Right? Ugh! My goodness, I was dead wrong. Every relationship since has been a struggle to get that same amount of sex. At first, a woman enjoys having sex multiple times a day. Then, probably after the first week or two, she starts coming up with excuses as to why she can’t do it that much. This pattern happened EVERY time. I would usually have to compromise and cut it down to three times a day, and then to once a day. But I couldn’t handle it when a weekday would go by without sex. It just didn’t make sense to me. Things would get worse when I’d be asked to sleep over but not have sex. I would say things like, “What the hell is the point of us lying naked in bed together and NOT having sex?!”

The second issue was meeting friends and family. It’s no secret on this blog that I truly dislike people… especially these Smalltown savages. Whenever a woman would want me to meet her family or friends, my argument would always go something like this:

“I don’t want to meet your friends or family. I’m in a relationship with you, not them. I’m not stopping you from spending time with them, so why are you trying to force me to meet these people?!”

To me, meeting friends and family felt like a punishment. It said to me that it’s not enough that she likes me… she has to get a second opinion from her friends and family to make sure she’s not crazy. I also felt like a showpiece, as if I was an accessory that she's showing off to her friends and family-- marginalizing my greatness all the way down to a new pet.

Things are different now. May 31^st of this year will mark going two whole years without sex. I’m not clawing the walls or losing my mind. Once I get the porn stuff under control, it’ll be even better. If a woman wants to have sex 5 times a day, great. 3 times a day? Good. Once a day? Okay. Once every other day? Fine. It doesn’t bother me much anymore because sex isn’t the dominant force in my life that it once was. And as far as meeting friends and family goes, I bring up this amazing statistic: In the 7 years I’ve been in Smalltown, I have not killed one person. Not one! Even with all the rage and anger that these people bring out in me, I’ve shown a remarkable amount of restraint… going so far as to work with them for long periods of time. Remember Annabel, my annoying co-worker from the shipping depot? If I could work with that animal for almost a year and she lived to tell the tale, I can certainly pretend to enjoy the company of my girlfriend’s friends and family.I've also gotten better at small talk to appear normal.

I still have a few other hang-ups to deal with, but I think I say with confidence that I can have a relationship that lasts longer than any of my previous ones. I may even make it past the one year mark. My tolerance is higher, my needs are more controlled, and I know myself better than I ever have. That’s important too. Understanding a woman means nothing if I don’t understand myself. Almost relationship ready? You betcha…

P.S.: Three times a week is probably the lowest amount of sex I’d be willing to have right now. I may have a higher tolerance for less sex, but all tolerance has its limits.