Rent Out Guide Part I: The Ad and Phone Interview

Okay. Here it goes. My Rent Out blog post. I'll keep updating this post as I learn new tricks and trades from experience or wherever. Let's start off with me.

Items Needed:

• Apartment in showing condition (I should also have the room sizes measured and memorized. This is something new but very necessary.)

• Entertainment for time spent between apartment showings (Good cellphone game, Nvidia Shield, pornography on phone)

• At least 10 lease applications and pen

• A Shower (Sadly, I do need to write this. Sometimes I get in a bad mood and, if I think the tenant is gonna be a loser, I won't bother taking a shower or looking presentable.)  

The AD

This is simple. I already have them ready-made, so I'll just list the important stuff that my ad must contain:

• Sorry, no Public Assistance or Section 8 accepted.
• Bring proof of employment (recent pay stubs, tax return, etc.)
• Add any good tidbits about the location (close to or on busline, close to major highway, close to supermarket or laundromat)
• Give the telephone number, with no option for email. No texts or emails. They defeat the purpose of the phone interview. And speaking of which...
• Do NOT put the number address, only the street. I don't like assholes driving by the place letting their scumbag loser friends know that apartment's available. Advertising that a place is empty with a specific address can also be dangerous, as some of them may come looking to break in to steal copper, or to squat.

The PHONE INTERVIEW

“Property Management speaking, this is Ahkenaten”

“Hi, I'm calling about your apartment on Whatever Street. Is it still available?”

“Yes, it's still available. Do you have any questions about the place?”

Here, I answer all the questions they ask. If they don't have any questions, it can mean the following:

• They're in a rush to move or simply don't care what the place looks like (not usually a good thing)

• Not experienced enough to know what questions to ask

• They're gang scheduling, which means they're putting as many apartments to see on their list.

After I answer their questions, it's time for mine. This is very important:

“Are you currently working at a full time job?”

Answer must be yes. If the person is a filthy animal, they'll mention that they get SSI. I don't know why people say this, but SSI IS NOT A FUCKING JOB. I put in my ads “No Public Assistance” and “No Section 8”, so sometimes they'll try to slip through by saying SSI, knowing that I can't discriminate against them for their “disability”. But I can and will discriminate against them, as one will see later on in this post.

“How much to you make a month?” 

(Answer must be at least three times the amount of rent. For example, the prospective tenant must make at least $1500 to afford a $500 apartment.)

“How long have you been working at your job?” 

(At least a year is good... at least six months if I'm desperate.)

“Will you be able to bring two recent pay stubs? 

(Answer must be yes)

“Who would be moving in with you?” 

(Except for the downstairs of Property X, I really don't want any goddamned kids in the apartments. In fact, the less people the better.)

“Do you have any pets?” 

(I don't mind pets, so I don't really care what they say to this. But no vicious breed of dog like Rottweilers or pit bulls. I love those dogs, but I don't trust the savages in this town to raise them properly. If they have a dog, they must bring him/her to the showing.)

Cats are $50 pet deposit. 

Dogs are $100 pet deposit. 

One time fee. <--- this is usually a big plus for pet owners, as most landlords require a monthly fee for pets.) 

"Where are you currently living?"

(Huge question, as I should never rent to someone who currently lives in a bad neighborhood. There's always a reason why someone is in a bad neighborhood, and I don't want them to bring their bad area with them. No matter how good a person may seem, renting out to them might be inviting the scum that surrounds them to come along for the ride.)  

“What is your reason for moving?”

(Big question. The longer the story, the bigger the pain in the ass they will be. It's a telling sign when they take a deep breath or sigh, and then go, “Okay, here's the situation” or “Here's what's been going on”. I don't need to know what's going on and I certainly don't wanna get involved in their “situation”. And God forbid they say the famous "I'm gonna be honest with you" line. I'll have to be honest with them and tell them to stop wasting my fucking time. Short, simple, and sensible answers are a plus.)

After these questions, the scheduling begins.

“What times are you available?”

The tenant is supposed to ask this question, but I like asking it first. If they're available anytime, it means that they weren't 100% truthful when they talked about having a full time job. They can throw me off by saying “well, is it available to show right now?”

Based on their answers, I give them a specific time. If I feel good about their answers, they get penned in at the first available slot. Now, remember the SSI animal from earlier? This is where the discrimination comes in. I give them a date that's at least 4 or 5 days away. If possible, I like to schedule the SSI bums all at the same time, like having a designated “Loser Showings” day. I previously used these opportunities to bag a ghetto fuck buddy, but those days are long gone.

Once all this is done, I tell them the address for the property. If they ask for directions to a place like Property X (not-so-great neighborhood), it's best to give them the route that take them through the good area before ending up at the property. This doesn't work most of the time, as they usually find out what kind of neighborhood it is when they drive away. And I like being honest about everything, so maybe I'll just cross this whole thing out.

And that's that. The phone interview is over! Man I didn't realize how much info I would have on this, so I'll probably have to split this Rent Out Guide into two or three posts. But I have to finish this stuff now before the weekend starts. Ugh! Even with all this, I'm surely forgetting some stuff. But I'll add more as time goes on.