Game Changers

You know, one would think that walking around in -11 degree temperatures for 8 hours would get on my nerves. But I’d gladly walk around with my feet like ice blocks than to deal with the thoughts going through my head after a phone conversation I had last night.

Last night I was watching movies at the shipping depot when Helena called. Helena is a broad I’ve known since high school, and she is one of the most ambitious women I’ve ever met. After graduation, we kept in touch and swapped job horror stories and investment opportunities. Even though she never got to be as successful as she should be, I couldn’t help but respect her for trying. When I decided to make the move to Smalltown, we promised to keep in touch and kept to it. Ever year she’d give me a call or two and we’d talk for hours about bullshit and old times. We talked about her life and how she has once again broken up with her longtime girlfriend, her job as a sales consultant, and her father passing away in December. When it came for me to talk, the first thing I brought up was how I’m gonna start dating this year. As I’ve said in previous posts on this subject, my only reason for a relationship is to get steady sex, as opposed to dealing with the unstable fuck buddies I used to mess with.

The subject seemed to touch a nerve with Helena, and she went into lecture mode. While I don’t remember the exact words, her general statement was that I’m a coward for not wanting more than steady sex out of a relationship. After the phone call, my mind was a little messed up. Was she right?

I always said that the reason I don’t want to have a family is because I’m too selfish, too messed up, too lazy, and I don’t want to bring an innocent being into this world with me as a father. My family history is messed up, and I felt that I would only continue the cycle. It seems like the responsible decision to make, as I truly believe that just because one can have a family doesn't mean one should. Helena’s accusations, however, really made me wonder if that was true. Am I really, as said so bluntly, a coward? I remember watching guys with kids walking around. My first thought was always, "Whew, glad that’s not me!” But there’s always a small part of me that sees a certain strength in a man who purposely has kids and takes care of them. His focus and purpose for being is to create an environment where he’s financially stable enough to have a wife/girlfriend and kids and take care of their needs… with the strength to make them his goals rather than himself. It’s even more interesting when the accidental father stops everything he’s doing and changes his entire life for a kid. It’s a strength that is impossible not to respect, and I sometimes wonder if it’s the only kind of strength that really matters in this world.

I toot my horn and puff my chest when saying I can invest $10,000 into a stock with no fear. I can put tens of thousands of dollars towards a property with no fear of failure. But when it comes to investing into a relationship, I… I have fear. I don’t want to invest all the way because I know how powerful women are. Women are game changers, and the true source of life on this planet. Have you ever seen a guy who doesn’t have good relations with women? It’s fucking pathetic. I see those guys and I never want to be like them. To shut out women is to shut out life, and I've been doing that for a long time now. I understand that I have to be around women in some capacity, but I’m always nervous about relationships because the variables are so uncontrollable. There are so many things that can go wrong than right, and I’ve always enjoyed the safety of measured risk.

I used to be a huge fan of Def Poetry Jam, and they still have some of the videos on YouTube. One of the poets was an actress named Kim Fields, who came on and lamented that men take too long to make up their minds as to whether or not they want kids. At the time, I remember saying to myself, “Kim’s an idiot. How can she hate on men that are responsible enough to know that they’re not father-material yet?” But now, as I think back on it, I think Kim was trying to say that men are scared about something that they shouldn’t be afraid of. It’s life. It’s relationships. You pick as best as you can, and then you go for it and hope everything works out. If it works out, then good for you. If not, then you’re strong and responsible enough to be able to handle the consequences.

I texted Helena this morning:

Me: Can’t stop thinking about what we talked about. Thanks for giving me a headache you crazy bitch...

Helena: Awwwww, such a sweetheart!! Love ya too, honey! xxxxoooo

Hmm. Despite my protests, I'd rather be forced to answer these questions now than when it's too late. Helena made some really good points that I have no choice but to consider. And I have to consider them soon because dating season is right around the corner. Reading this post is gonna suck for the next few days. Ugh. Helena. Game changers, man… fucking game changers.

P.S.: On a side note, I realize I haven’t been writing too much on the “Women and Sex” portion of this blog. I think it’s been for the reasons stated in this post and it’s not fair. If I’ve learned so much about being a better stock trader and a better real estate investor, it only makes sense to put as much effort into this subject as well if I want the same results.