“Mommy had an accident. She will be in
surgery tomorrow. I will going with her to the hospital tomorrow.”
Why someone would send this cryptic
text to a son, I’ll never know. I tried calling Ana but she didn’t pick up the
phone, so I left a voicemail asking what happened. She replied through text that my mom
Anita fell and broke her arm.
What bothered me most was that, in the
moments when I didn’t know what had actually happened, I thought the worst.
Maybe she got into yet another car accident. Maybe she got hit by a car. But these
thoughts didn’t affect me. There was no frantic worrying about what the
situation was, or whether she was hurt. I… I was numb to it. I simply stayed in
bed and un-paused an episode of the Simpsons I was watching. I tried to make
myself feel something, like imagining if she had died, lost limbs, anything
horrible… still numb.
I think, when I was a kid, I did too
good a job numbing myself to everything. I know I needed it for
survival back then, but now it just feels… empty and creepy. I couldn’t even
pretend to care. This isn’t good, and definitely not the way I want to be. The numbness doesn't feel good anymore. I
called her just now and she seems to be doing better, with a recovery time of around two months required. I did my, “Oh wow” and “That’s
crazy” and “Are you okay” lines, but there was nothing there. I’ll have to
really figure this part of myself out. I built that wall because I needed it,
so how do I tear it down now that I don’t need it? Ugh, the mysteries of life
never cease…
Previously you have identified as a sociopath. Sociopaths do not feel emotion or empathy. Maybe you are right about your self-diagnosis. Have you felt compassion/empathy/love in the past? And, if so, has anything physical affected your brain since then? Sociopaths are often thought to be born, but certain physical conditions can change the brain in a similar way.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest and simply say I don't know. I've been like this for so long that I can't tell what's real and what's not. Sometimes I wonder if I'm laughing because I find something funny or because I taught myself to do that? Am I crying because I'm sad or because I'd look weird if I don't cry in this situation? I don't normally care, but situations like Anita's broken arm make me curious. As far as the second question goes, I... hmm. I don't think I know the answer to that either. Nature vs nurture. I take pride in being able to say I know who I am and why I do the things I do, but this kinda made me realize that there are areas I never bothered to understand. Maybe it should stay that way, I dunno.
Delete"Sometimes I wonder if I'm laughing because I find something funny or because I taught myself to do that? Am I crying because I'm sad or because I'd look weird if I don't cry in this situation?" -- Your ability to recognize this and contemplate the possibility shows that you are smarter than most.
ReplyDeleteMaybe... I'd feel smarter if I could answer these questions. In time, I suppose...
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