While reviewing my dating history, I
found a stat that was pretty neat. Any woman that has ever agreed to go out on
a date with me has offered me sex at some point. Every single one. All I have
to do is get them to go out with me, and it’s a wrap. While I enjoy this
wonderful statistic, there should probably be an asterisk next to it. Because…
the person they meet/have a relationship with/fall in love with isn’t real.
I’ve talked a lot about how I’m not
normal and I can separate my feelings from any situation. The real me, the
actual person who writes this blog, cannot be in a real relationship because I
don’t think I’ll have any real feelings for her. To give an excellent example, let
me bring up something that happened this past Tuesday:
Nino and I have been close for over 11
years. He and Brooklyn Mike are the only two people I consider as friends. On
weekday mornings, Nino and I routinely call each other and bullshit as he
drives to work. It’s fun, and a good way to start a day. We've been doing this routine for about 4 years now. On Tuesday morning I
called him and he said, “I’m not in the mood right now. Fuck you!” And then he
hung up the phone. Two minutes later he texted me:
“I was in a bad mood but now I’m in a
less bad mood. I’m sorry for hanging up on you.”
But by then it was too late. I had
already blocked and erased his number, blocked his email and ended any Android
games we were playing. I erased all our email correspondences and any conversations/pics that I have of/with him. It’s a guarantee that we won’t speak again. And I wasn’t even
mad. I just knew that something happened that I didn't like, so a decision was made for me and clicked in my head. It took me a little over a
minute to get rid of 11 years of Nino and settle into my life without him, and that was
that.
The real me can’t do this in a
relationship. Relationships are all about compromise and understanding. If I
want stable sex for the foreseeable future, I can’t just get rid of a
girlfriend when she makes a small mistake. People err, and I have to forgive in
order to make the relationship stronger. A stronger relationship gives me the
security in knowing that my stream of sex can survive rough patches. The person
I am can’t do that. The second I see that someone has done something I don’t
like and they have no real use, they’re eliminated. I NEED good handymen. I
NEED a bank to lend me money at rates I can afford. I NEED a place to buy
healthy foods like Trader Joes. But I don’t need friends or family. So if I choose to have them in my life, they can’t do certain
things that will trigger the aforementioned response. Because, in the end, I
don’t have any real feelings for anyone.
Let’s go back to the dating aspect.
When on a date, I am whatever she is looking for. I adapt whatever language I
use to fit the kind of guy she wants. For the most part, I don’t need to do
much adaptation. I’m good looking, confident, moderately successful, and have a
clear plan for greater success. In the dating world, I’m considered the
“complete package”. And that's despite being black! So when a woman goes on a date with me, all she needs to
see is that I’m the real deal. I have to be confident without being
egotistical. Good looking, but unwilling to say so. Successful, but not “all
about the money”. Cultured, but without my nose in the air. Honest, but
obviously not too honest. This is a good example of the kind of person I create
when going out on dates, with a few tweaks here and there to fit her specific
needs.
It’s important to note that I'm not very proud of the person I am. It's also important to note that I don’t do
this to deceive a woman. I’m actually very honest in a relationship. But I
can’t be the broken person that I am and expect a relationship to NOT turn into a fuck buddy situation. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to be… normal again if I ever was (I’m not
looking forward to the day those floodgates open), but that won’t happen
anytime soon. The real me is too screwed up to have a normal relationship, and
I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. The fake me, however, is the right guy for the job, and
he’s ready to go.
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