Autistic Explosion

I usually wait until the weekend to write posts, but this one can’t wait.

On Monday I was in a decent mood. Pelcom Nick had just started doing work at the basement of Property X and I was very much looking forward to an afternoon/evening of tiling. I get a call from autistic idiot Tisha, yelling about how Nick left the basement door wide open when he left to do a garbage dump run. I tried to tell her that I will talk to him about it to make sure it doesn’t happen again, but she continued to rant for over 3 minutes. I’m not kidding. 3 MINUTES STRAIGHT of her babbling about everything from the garage roof to the neighborhood to Mallory’s stalker to... everything! Finally, she said something that set me off:

Tisha: And that sliding lock for the basement door won’t stop someone from breaking into my apartment!

Me (yelling): How do you expect me to fix that when you cancel every single appointment we make to get things done inside the apartment?!

I was yelling. My voice was raised. I let her get the best of me. I had sunken to her level of non-sensical arguing, breaking my rule of arguing with tenants. When I got off the phone, I was really fucked up. How did I let her get to me? How thin is my skin when someone who's been my tenant for only three months can make me lose it?! My head was boiling with both shame and anger, and I seriously wanted to beat the shit out of someone… anyone. The next day, Tisha called back to apologize, saying that she should have never talked like that to me and that I don’t deserve to be talked to like that and... blah blah blah. But my mind was already made up by then. When her lease is up next year, Tisha will be gone. I absolutely refuse to have a tenant that can give me headaches like this. I don’t want a tenant who has “good days and bad days”. And I’m definitely not having an autistic tenant again, I don't care how much money they make. Add them to the discrimination list. In fact, any disability in which a person can’t control their manner of speaking or attitude is on that list… the D-List.

Anytime I think about Tisha, I end up thinking about the crazy stat that 1 out of every 10 babies born in the US will be autistic. I shudder at the thought of millions of autistic adults like Tisha wandering the streets. Brooklyn Mike and I talked about her for a while. We wondered whether autism could be the next step in human evolution, and it could very well be. But I’m gonna have a short life span, and I don’t wanna spend it “understanding” things I don’t have to. Ugh! I can’t wait to throw both her and Mallory out. I want the next tenants to be men. I’m gonna find the biggest man around with the biggest dick. In fact, my interview process will come down to a variant of this:

Me: Have you worked at your current job for at least a year?

Prospective Tenant: Yes.

Me: Ever been arrested or evicted?

Prospective Tenant: No.

Me: Got a big fat dick?

Prospective Tenant: Yes sir.

Me: Congratulations, the place is YOURS!


Ah, I can’t wait…

P.S.: By saying that I can’t wait to throw Tisha out, I’m basically saying that I’ll be managing Property X until I get new tenants for both units (unless Tisha leaves before her lease is up). I know I said I would get a property management company to take over my mom Anita’s accursed property, but I’ve changed my mind. I can’t leave her with this animal as a tenant, and I can’t believe that a property management company will be as patient as I am when it comes to working around Tisha’s schedule. I may hate the place, but I would feel much better knowing I leave it in a condition where it generates good drama-free money for Anita. Call it the perils of being a son who made the mistake of doing business with family…