I wrote this post May 25th, 2014 on my old "6 Year Millionaire" blog. It was the post that really changed the way I did things, as the public shaming forced me to take a hard look at all the things I've done. Calling myself a loser really hurt my ego and completely changed my mind about how I was doing in my real estate investment journey. My basement apartment wouldn't have been done had it not been for this post. I wouldn't have understood the concept of "investing in myself" had it not been for this post. So I'm porting it to this blog so that I never forget the lesson I learned that day:
I’m writing this post from the shipping depot job. I’ve designated tomorrow as 2014’s Blackout Day. It’s usually on Labor Day, but the opportunity is there and I could really use a good Blackout Day to finish cleaning the basement and to get my head together about things.
I’ve been doing a little research into the stock trading thing and I… wait. I gotta do this right. Honesty, right? Okay, lemme start again. This is gonna hurt.
I read this blog in the morning. I was… the more I thought about stocks, the more miserable I became. I looked around at my dirty batcave. I looked at my security uniform before I put it on. I drove to work and, it was as if I could see myself driving to work. I felt so miserable about where I was in life and it bothered me. It’s still bothering me. Reading this blog, I can say without a doubt that I’m a fraud. I’m supposed to be retiring soon. Every year I say “two more years” and things just keep coming up. I’m a college graduate working two security jobs. I have three properties that I’ve only now begun to organize. I have a basement apartment I’ve been working on for 8 goddamned years, with garbage dating back to the Bush administration laying in mold on the cement floor. I gained almost 30 pounds in six months, mostly due to stress. To stress! Like I’m some 14-year-old girl with low self esteem or something. Since when did I become so weak? Whatever happened to that guy who, when he wasn't making enough money teaching, quit his job and moved hundreds of miles away to set up shop? What happened to that motivation and ambition? Where are my balls?! How long have I been fooling myself into thinking that I’m gonna be successful with my current lazy traits?
I’m not a loser because of what I am. I’m a loser because of what I should be. I could be retired right now. I should have my basement apartment finished by now. But here I am, still working security and still living in a cave. The biggest issue I have in my life has always been following through. I always say I’m gonna do something, I start off with all this energy and enthusiasm, and then I stop and save it for later. Remember that cleaning I did in the basement a few weeks ago? Well there’s a perfect example. I started cleaning and got half of the garbage bagged up, and then I stopped and said I’d do the rest the next day. It’s been three weeks and I still haven’t finished! Or how about that Yoruba language learning? I started off with so much energy and studied with fervor for months, only to stop at chapter 6 and make excuses as to why I didn’t follow through. This procrastination has been with me since I was a kid, and I’ve been following the same pattern ever since. It’s this sad pattern where I settle for mediocrity and call it progress, and I can’t keep up the sham anymore.
I could be so much better, yet I always stop in the middle. Why? Why am I so comfortable doing that? Why am I comfortable surrounding myself with these loser security guards and people that I know I’m better than? Let’s be honest here: I have yet to meet anyone that don't feel I'm better than. Bigger? Yes. Stronger? Of course. Smarter? Naturally. But never better. Now what’s the point of knowing this while being a loser at the same time? It doesn’t make sense. Security work got me through college tuition and, along with my teaching money, helped pay for my first property. And that’s where something should have changed. I should have found a better way to make more money than this, but I didn’t. I felt it was the safest way to go, but now I’m starting to wonder whether that was yet another excuse to stay in mediocrity?
The whole stock trading thing is intriguing, but I can’t possibly succeed at it with the way I am now. This problem has to stop. I’m wasting time by strolling to the finish line instead of sprinting. The only things I’ve ever followed through on with any type of passion has been this blog and my real estate ambitions. My hope was that, if I do one thing consistently, I would learn how to do other things consistently and break that pattern. I was both right and wrong. Doing this blog on a regular basis for 3 and a half years now has been good, but transitioning that into other areas doesn’t happen like magic. Like this blog, it takes dedication and work, and I’ve clearly shown that I’m capable of both. I’m not gonna say how I’m gonna fix this problem. It would just feel like more of the same. I’m just gonna do it, and then write about it when I’ve done it. Lighting the fire is easy. Anybody can do that. Keeping the fire burning consistently is the major problem I have, and solving it is the only way I’ll be what I wanna be.
P.S.: This was a tough post to write. Admitting that I’m not living up to my potential really hurt my ego, but I feel I needed to do it. How else am I gonna change if I don’t first admit what I’m changing from?
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